Space Force

TL;DR Why do we struggle? And how do we deal with it? Whether in business or in life, no one leads a struggle-free existence. Life just always has other plans for us. Whereas we cannot control what happens to us, we can control how we react to it.

This post is part of a series of leadership lessons I learned from my father in his last days. Read the first and second posts here and here.

Turning point

What on earth do these people do for a living? Why do they all seem so chill, as if they have nothing to do on a Wednesday afternoon? What did I do wrong to be stressed out of my mind the whole time?

It was another one of those challenging days. I was having lunch with a client on a sunny afternoon, and we barely managed to find a table to sit across the two dozen or more restaurants in the area. The meeting was going well, but I noticed I was completely drained. Not only drained, but stressed, burned out, struggling. I wonder, do my colleagues and clients see through my fake smiles and cheerful presence?

This obviously wasn't the first time I felt this way. In fact, I had been going through these cycles of ups and downs since I started my career. The problem: the cycles had started to be more frequent, the downs longer, and the emotions more intense. Disappointments were piling up: important deals were lost, key employees left, milestones missed, etc. My feelings existed in stark contrast to the beautiful, sunny weather outside, the packed, smiling crowds, and the laughs exchanged at the tables - and I was acutely aware of it.

My mind continued to drift. What happened? It started out ambitious, grand, rosy. The world was our oyster, my team and I were going to disrupt old, slow industries, create agile, high-performing companies, and have fun all along. Challenges used to be far and fewer, yes, but they also were the reason I ended each day feeling like I accomplished something, and even look forward to the next one to conquer. Why does this sound very far and super naïve right now? If someone would ask me right now, would I wholeheartedly rave about my job as I used to?

I try to remind myself of the full half of the glass. This is exactly what I signed up for. I knew that becoming a CEO, let alone in turnarounds, is full of these grueling moments. I was warned: it is a very ungrateful, unspectacular job. But I also know how fortunate I am to be offered the opportunity to really change things, leave my footprint, and impact the lives of employees, customers, partners. Isn’t that a purpose worth sacrificing for? Can’t I just appreciate how green the grass is on the side I am on?

I calm down a bit, snap out of it. But the question remains: is all of this struggle, all of this pain absolutely necessary and unavoidable? Am I doing something wrong? How should I deal with it?

The struggle

Weeks go by, the "valley of struggle" passes, and I enter a new cycle. While I am at its high point, I come across a paragraph that takes me right back to that Wednesday afternoon. My unresolved feelings completely dominate my thoughts.

Where did you go wrong? Why didn’t your company perform as envisioned? Are you good enough to do this? As your dreams turn into nightmares, you find yourself in the Struggle. The Struggle is when you wonder why you started the company in the first place. The Struggle is when people ask you why you don’t quit and you don’t know the answer. The Struggle is when your employees think you are lying and you think they may be right. The Struggle is when you don’t believe you should be CEO of your company. The Struggle is when you know that you are in over your head and you know that you cannot be replaced. The Struggle is when everybody thinks you are an idiot, but nobody will fire you. The Struggle is where self-doubt becomes self-hatred. The Struggle is when you are having a conversation with someone and you can’t hear a word that they are saying because all you can hear is the Struggle. The Struggle is when you want the pain to stop. The Struggle is unhappiness. The Struggle is when you go on vacation to feel better and you feel worse. The Struggle is when you are surrounded by people and you are all alone. The Struggle has no mercy. The Struggle is the land of broken promises and crushed dreams. The Struggle is a cold sweat. The Struggle is where your guts boil so much that you feel like you are going to spit blood. The Struggle is not failure, but it causes failure. Especially if you are weak. Always if you are weak. Most people are not strong enough. Every great entrepreneur from Steve Jobs to Mark Zuckerberg went through the Struggle and struggle they did, so you are not alone. But that does not mean that you will make it. You may not make it. That is why it is the Struggle. The Struggle is where greatness comes from.

- Ben Horowitz, The Struggle

Life is struggle

I had the unique opportunity to "rediscover" my father in his last few years. After 11 years of living abroad, in 2016 I moved back to Cairo and was able to interact with and observe my parents with a fresh eye.

There were several happy events for my parents during these years. I moved back home, my sister got married, I got married, their first grandson arrived (my sister's, I am still disappointing the family) and lots of other great firsts. Unfortunately, it was also a period of great struggle and pain for my father. He reached retirement age, was grieving for his dear mother, and suffered a brain stroke he never fully recovered from.

He rarely complained. In fact, he was always full of energy, ambition, and optimism. He truly was the life of the party.

Even at the height of his last illness he continued to look for and find beauty in everything. While I was on the way to the hospital a few days before he passed away I got a call from him. “Mostafa, get me some new flowers on the way over here. These old ones are starting to look miserable and they are affecting my mood”.

Oh how happy he made me that day, he hadn’t lost his soul.

Life is seldom straightforward or simple. We might wake up every day aiming to enjoy it, but it often has other plans for us. When this happens, my father was a living proof that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

Lesson #3: The Space Force

Whether in life or in business, one of the most difficult skills is managing your own psychology (sometimes considered THE most difficult CEO skill). You cannot change what happens to you, but you can change how you react to it.

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.

- Viktor Frankl

Realize that the pain is universal and unavoidable. Look around you, no one leads a struggle-free existence. Particularly if you decided to be a CEO or a business leader of some sort: ambition is growth, and growth is pain. No training can ever prepare you fully, you will make mistakes that could have been and should have been avoided. If you are the CEO, it's all ultimately your responsibility and your fault. And, to top it off, nobody cares (and rightfully so).

Make use of that space between stimulus and response. Catch the stories your brain is weaving. Realize that they do not have to be right, and you do not have to believe them. This is what psychologists call “self-awareness”, our ability to think about our own thought process. It is uniquely human, no other living creature has this ability.

And now, respond. Don't quit, get up and keep on fighting. Gather your team, learn from it together, utilize the energy it let out in you. Start over, build something better. Crises can be extraordinary opportunities for organizational change (hire stars, innovate, improve your processes, etc.).

Spectacular silver linings

Whenever I meet a successful CEO, I ask them how they did it. Mediocre CEOs point to their brilliant strategic moves or their intuitive business sense or a variety of other self-congratulatory explanations. The great CEOs tend to be remarkably consistent in their answers. They all say, “I didn’t quit.”

- Ben Horowitz, What’s the most difficult CEO skill?

I am back in the same restaurant I was in with my clients. This time, my mood matches the sunny, beautiful weather. I feel calmer, more confident, energized and reflect with more clarity. For every deal we lost, we improved our offering, and won some clients even back. Star employees that left made us improve our "employee value proposition", others turned out not to be stars after all. Big setbacks exposed to us our gaps, and while we did not to tackle all of them, we definitely closed a few.

If you do not quit throughout the unspectacular, you get to experience the spectacular. For every problem, there is always a solution - the only question is whether the problem is worth solving. Embrace these problems.

Throughout the pain, there is always a silver lining. Sometimes, it is our development and our growth. Sometimes, it is the lifelong relationships we forge, and the bonds that are cemented in difficult times. And sometimes, the silver lining is simply to live the full spectrum of our existence, and to realize that our joy is our sorrow unmasked, and that the source of our suffering can easily turn into our source of happiness.

So, to conclude this series, my father’s final 3 lessons are simple. There are many ways to live a purposeful life, but most of them revolve around serving others (lesson #1). Since life is short, we should start working on that immediately (lesson #2). Throughout the way, we will inevitably face pain and struggle, but should always utilize the “space” to turn challenges into opportunities for growth (lesson #3, this post).

Maybe this is my silver lining. At least for now.

Eternally grateful for your love and wisdom, Papi. May we be reunited again.

Have a spectacular week,

/M

P.S.: “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” is a famous quote by Japanese writer Haruki Murakami. I was first introduced to it by Sara Khatib, another beautiful soul who left us. Despite only knowing her in her last year, I am still inspired by our brief interactions. Her laugh, sheer determination, and love for Coldplay and McDonald’s are just unforgettable. I encourage you to read her story, watch her TED Talk, and donate to the Look Forward association. May you rest in peace, Sara.

P.P.S.: Another big source of inspiration (and quotes) for this post are some of the writings of entrepreneur turned tech investor Ben Horowitz, which you can find in his blog or his first book The Hard Thing About Hard Things. I highly recommend it to anyone looking to read a raw, pragmatic account of building and scaling successful businesses.